how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
