Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
