Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
