So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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