there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
