i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
