he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
