I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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