Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
