He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
