While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
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Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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