This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
