nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
