I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This is the high leading the old right now
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?