I want you more than these girls want KFC
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
