sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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