Dude my mom stole all your condoms
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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