I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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