I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
