I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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