So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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