I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
