um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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