im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
