I murdered the dance floor call the cops
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
