He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
