I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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