Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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