i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
