from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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