R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
