I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
