I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Help me help you realize you are a moron
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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