theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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