I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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