I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
