I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
