i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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