You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
