i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
