Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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