her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
