I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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