So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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