I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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