so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's the barista slut.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
