Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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