some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
