so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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