did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
