You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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