i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
