My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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