I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
