Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
