Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
