yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
